The blues, The Greys and The Tears.

It seems that I am totally rubbish at
blogging at the moment and while I could say that I have no other excuse than
time, that wouldn’t be the whole story. 

 

I don’t often share personal things here
partly because it’s not what I’ve written about in the past. I write about
pretty interiors, lovely travels and fantastic wallpaper.  If you follow me on instagram you might have
seen snippets or got a hint that all isn’t the right way up.  I was speaking with some other blogger
friends and they tell me I should share why I have been unable to put words to
paper. If you’d rather not hear about this I’d suggest you check out this
lovely post on beautiful mid-century furniture here

When I started writing here, I had no
idea how things would work out. You know that little thing about whether anyone
would actually read my ramblings, and if they did whether they would like what
I had to say. On the whole though I mostly stay in my little corner of the
web, doing my own thing. It actually all went better than I thought and brought
me in to contact with some amazing people and some brilliant opportunities. But
life isn’t a bed of roses all the time.  The
last 15 months have been insanely hard for me. I’ve cried a lot lately; cried
because of loss, cried because of memories, cried because I don’t have the
answers and I’ve cried because I can’t fight my way out of it.  These blues have been more Farrow & Ball
Blue Black than Dulux’s First Dawn. Yes,
crying is an important part of the grieving process for many people but rather than
being a relieving action it’s led me to other questions, that I do not have
answers to. Opening up fissures in how I define who I am.  So many things are playing a part in this now
that I can’t find the beginning (or the end) – Is it all about the loss of my
parents? Is it actually the condensed week of a working Mum? Is it no longer
working in a studio? Is it Christmas? Which I always find difficult. Why am I
lacking direction?  I used to be in
charge of my destiny and it feels like it’s freewheeling right now. I keep
starting things and leaving them unfinished. I mentally tell myself to “buck up”
my ideas and “pull myself together” but it’s not that simple and it isn’t working.



I intrinsically think that I must be
making people
uncomfortable with my
emotional outpouring so inevitably I minimize my feelings and brush it off.
I do a pretty damn good job at painting a
smile on for the outside world. The world upsets, disappoints, frustrates and
hurts us in countless ways. It delays us, overlooks us and smashes our
ambitions.  There have been times without patience I have fuelled my own
bitterness.  I hope with time things will
become clear and that these dark grey days can give way to clarity and relief.

image source: Abigail Bowen Sundowning and Abigail Bowen Dark Blue Days

Follow:
Share:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *